Call me a grinch, but something about this holiday season is making me want to go full operation green. Here are three things that if anyone suggests doing to me, I’ll light a small tree on fire (in a safe enclosed area, obviously).
1: Making Gingerbread Houses
They’re messy and wasteful. Gingerbread houses are a cute idea in theory, but the hassle in dealing with them is so unbelievably not worth it. That gross conglomeration of sugar you icing-glued together is going to sit on your counter for weeks until it is rock solid and could be donated to the United States military for combative use. Nothing makes me seethe with white hot unbridled rage more than trying to hold the stupid gingerbread walls together with sticky icing covered fingers. That fun bonding time will soon turn into someone, likely myself, throwing the failed creation into the nearest wall.
2: Caroling
Does anyone even do this anymore? I would pay someone to not show up on my doorstep and off-key sing some rendition of an overplayed holiday song. Better yet, I would pay to not have to do that myself. The social anxiety and awkwardness of ringing a random person’s doorbell to berate their ear drums with our lack of musical talents sounds like one of the less desirable ways to spend my evening.
3: Watching The Polar Express
Look, I love Tom Hanks. A die hard fan of his, truly. My opinions on this film have nothing to do with Mr. Hanks. However, that film is the most uncanny and uncomfortable thing to sit through. Please I will literally sit through watching anything else. That’s an exaggeration, but nothing screams uncanny like The Polar Express.
I know this makes me sound like a total scrooge, and possibly I am, but I can think of better ways to spend the holidays.
