Maybe I’m just avoidant. Maybe my instincts lead me away from danger. Welcome to another Am I the Problem story.
So here are the details: There was someone I was talking to right before and during Winter Break. They were in one of my classes, and we’d worked together for some projects, so I’d already thought they seemed pretty cool and chill, which is, unfortunately, my type.
One night, we were walking to the DSU after our class, and they’d said something that stuck with me, in a bad way. I’d told them I was taking a class that teaches you how to read literature through different theoretical lenses, like African-American criticism and Queer Theory. Their response was, “Oh, so that class teaches you how to be woke.”
Though the statement bothered me, I attempted to suppress what they’d said in favour of letting my feelings develop, but it was something I couldn’t ignore, my mind constantly circling back to “Woke.” Why did they say that?
Before the break, CNU had their annual Christmas tree lighting festival, and I’d sort of coaxed the person into visiting me because of my developing crush. Again, how unfortunate. When they’d arrived, we talked for a little while, getting to know each other a bit more, and I could practically feel my head and heart disagreeing. One kept reminding me of what the person had said days ago, the other wanted me to ignore it.
We texted each other daily after that. Some days, I initiated conversation, other days they did. Either way, we spoke at least twice a day. Looking back now, I’m not exactly sure why I did that. Maybe I just really wanted to make those confusing emotions disappear, to force myself to view the person romantically like my heart wanted me to.
Our texts always included strange emojis, like hearts—so many hearts—and smiley faces. I sent them to push some kind of signals to the person, and maybe they picked up on it because they were sending them too. It was like we were building some kind of routine, moving too fast, playing our hands too early.
And still, what they’d said weeks ago lingered in my mind: “The class teaches you to be woke.” I couldn’t articulate why that bothered me so much. When talking to a friend about it, they’d said the person probably wasn’t what I assumed they’d be.
Then that got me thinking. If the person was friends with me, a black, queer woman, I’d assumed they must’ve shared my same views. But that might not’ve been true.
The texting didn’t stop until around the halfway point of Winter Break. My crush had died out by then because I couldn’t stop thinking, “What if?” What if this person I thought I liked was actually not who I thought they were?
In the end, I never asked them. I was too afraid to because if I was right, I didn’t want to accept that I’d developed a crush for someone I shouldn’t have. But if I was wrong, I would’ve felt awful for asking in the first place. So, I’d cut off communication, and to this day, we haven’t said a word to each other because I’m avoidant.
That’s something I’ve definitely realized after that whole “experience,” that I’m not emotionally mature enough to talk with a partner about what’s occupying my mind. So then that begs the question: Do I need to be looking for a partner right now? Should I even have crushes? Likely the answer is no.
So, what do you think? Am I the problem in this situation? In what ways? Or maybe you don’t think so? Feel free to email me your response, since someone has done so before.
Also, if you’re interested in submitting your own Am I the Problem story, send your story to The Captain’s Log’s Editor-In-Chief’s